Sought an Autism diagnosis.
Got an Autism diagnosis.
Now what?
Truthfully, I don't know. But I will tell you that it makes a world of difference to know that there is a reason I've felt damaged, defective, different, abnormal, uncaring, desired to be alone, be engaged with my hobby at the expense of my family, etc.... I could go on. The problem was that I was looking for answers in all the wrong places. I was blaming the run-ins with sexual predators. I was thinking it was my emotionless "appearing" narcissistic mother, my idiot of a step father that had a hard time being nice and giving compliments. I blamed my Dad for leaving us. I blamed my sister for being a dominating bully, verbally and physically hurting me, telling me what to say, what to wear, how to behave, etc. I blamed and blamed and blamed and blamed. I have a habit of blaming people, because it's easier than turning the lens on myself. Self awareness was something that I had no idea I was lacking. Funny how it's so easy to spot someone else's behaviour, yet sugar coat my own with justifications.
AUTISM IN THE FAMILY
My first introduction to Autism, was my nephew. He has classic Autism and that was my understanding of Autism. I read all I could about it (back in 1999) and I ran out to volunteer with an organization out of Toronto that offered autism services. They placed me with an Asperger's group of teens, which is ironic because I was pregnant at the time with my Aspegrer's son, and I myself was an Aspie. This group of kids was amazing, they all had strengths in their areas of weakness mixed with severe deficits in social communications. You could see that they wanted so desperately to belong, to just "get it". But it was like that toy that's on the other side of the barb-wire fence. You can see it so clearly, yet there is no way to reach it. That's one thing I want to mention about Asperger's. I believe that there is the ability to "see it", to have an awareness that you don't really have those kinds of emotional connections that other people seem to have. And it sucks. It plain old sucks.
SELF-AWARENESS
My first step to self-awareness was my son's diagnosis of Asperger's at age 9. I picked up every book I could on Asperger's and read until I could read no more. My first instinct was that - I had this too! Then I looked at the behaviours of my husband, and I thought - this is you! I wavered back and forth wondering where this had come from. It was a mystery that needed to be solved. I basically emailed my family and my in-laws stating that I had self-diagnosed Asperger's...perhaps it was a tad premature, but I felt that in the moment, it explained a lot about me. Then I started blaming again, and convinced myself that maybe it was not me, but my husband. His family for sure has an abundance of social/communication issues, surface level chit chat, and business like relationships. Not to mention my husband had always struggled with making friends and social engagements. My husband still has not read much about Asperger's and we are 2 years into my son's diagnosis.
My second step to self-awareness was my older sister, going to an Oprah event in Toronto and being so aware that she felt "less than". She was giving us the highlights of the conference and told us about how she was feeling "not good enough" at work, and happened to walk into a book store and saw a book entitled, "Will I Ever be Good Enough?" by Karyl McBride. I told my sister that I had similar feelings and I went out and bought the book - it was about narcissistic mothers. Of course, with my BLAME mentality, I ate this up. YES - it was my mother's fault! Then I went on to read about Toxic Families, etc.....yadda yadda yadda. These books about toxic families resonated with me like no other books had resonated with me. What appears narcissistic, can in fact be Autism. I believe that before the understanding of what autism was/is, our society would have diagnosed these people with personality disorders, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizophrenia, Social Anxiety Disorder, and the like.
AUTISTIC MOTHER? AUTISTIC FATHER?
Looking back, I can see now that my mother and father both exhibit Autistic traits, and their mothers and fathers and siblings before them. I am so convinced of our selection of mates - that we choose people that are LIKE us. Especially as women on the spectrum, we feel that our normal is normal - we know no different. These Asperger's men are familiar. We don't question that they are also different, we think they are normal, like us!
THE WHY's?
Why did I feel so crappy all the time, why did I feel that I was never good enough. Why did I think people were negatively assessing me? Why did I obsess over boys, relationships, and losing things? Why did I have a hard time comprehending how people could be so mean? Why can's I manage my life and get organized? Why do I put so much on my plate? Why do I get obsessed with learning a new hobby? Why did I deliberately choose low maintenance friends in grade 12? Why does the sun in my eyes bother me SO much? Why do I find it so hard to be a Mother, it is not natural to me, I feel as though I have to learn these skills. Why do I rub my scalp ALL the time? Why was I afraid to talk to people on the phone? Why di I stil have a hard time understanding jokes? Why can't I "get" verbal instructions? Why do I feel stupid sometimes? Why can one social mistake affect me so deeply? Why aren't relationships intuitive?
ANSWER: AUTISM
It's really hard to even feel/recognize my emotions, let alone explain them. For the last ten years, I compared myself to a walking zombie. Just going about my work, family life, social life in a daze, neither with joy, or sadness. It just was. Nothingness. Part of me wishes for that ignorance. To be going through the motions and pretending that everything is fine. Pushing aside those instincts that YES - something is clearly wrong.
I can't tell you how hard it is when your husband tells you that you need to change, but in your heart of hearts, you know this is impossible and you just want to be loved for who you are. But who you are is unacceptable. Who you are is abnormal and different, and not what he signed up for.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
I just want to say now that I appreciate all the gains being made in Asperger's awareness in girls, because I feel that having the knowledge about the condition can save so much self-hatred. The worst thing about a late diagnosis or none at all, is that you live your life in constant sadness. Feeling like there is something wrong, yet no one will validate your feelings, or you are too ashamed to even tell someone how you feel - especially how you feel about being a mother.
To all you girls/women with ASD - let's start demanding acceptance. First piece of business - accept yourself. We belong, we are worthwhile, and we are different in amazing ways. Would you want it any other way?
Second piece of business - it is our job to educate the uneducated. If we do this now, imagine how much easier it will be for our children and grandchildren.
Peace. Love. Acceptance.
L.
